Radical acceptance
Sometimes all you can do is accept there’s not much you can do. And sometimes all you can control is how well you let go of control.
Lori Denschene
What we resist persists. The more we push away and fight against our anxious feelings, the more anxious and panicky we become. Why is that?
The spread of the Coronavirus and the sudden and radical change it is causing to our lives has been a huge and painful challenge for many of us. Our day-to-day experience has been marked by fear, panic, stress, anxiety, anger, grief, despair. Uncertainty reigns. So much feels out of our control.
We crave for things to be different when we feel unsafe and insecure. Covid-19 presents a major threat to our safety and we don’t like it, we hate it even; perhaps it feels unbearable. When we’re in a heightened state of alert, the sympathetic nervous system is activated and adrenaline and cortisol are released. We do everything we can to resist the situation – we go into battle with it, only to create more fear, panic, despair, anger, loss. We suffer as a result.
Radical acceptance - how can we accept what is?
Float don’t fight
What if we tried floating with our anxiety instead of fighting against it? Imagine you’re in a pool or in the sea. Instead of exhausting yourself and trying to swim through your anxieties relax your body and lay on your back. Allow the water to support you and to help you float. Relax your body and float with your feelings.
What would happen if we could turn towards the Coronavirus situation and radically accept it for what it is?
Instead of fighting against the uncertainty and anxiety, we turn to face what is uncomfortable and accept the reality of life right now.
It doesn’t mean we have to like the situation, but the more we focus on what we can’t control (and what we don’t like), the more our minds become hijacked by negative thinking patterns, making it hard to accept what is going on. And without acceptance, pain turns into suffering.
Acceptance - the willingness to have our experience
Acceptance doesn’t mean merely putting up with or resigning ourselves to a particular situation with stoic endurance. Acceptance comes from the Latin acceptare, which means to ‘take or receive willingly. Acceptance is a positive, active state, not a passive, negative one. It is different from denial – a non-engagement with what is. Radical acceptance is an active engagement with all aspects of life - the good, enjoyable and beautiful AND the difficult, unpleasant and cruel.
Wisdom and Compassion – ingredients to acceptance
We need two things to be able to willingly accept our experience as it is – wisdom and compassion.
1. Wisdom / the insight to clearly see how things are: “Covid-19 is happening, I can’t do much about it, but I can control my response to it.”
2. Compassion, i.e. the willingness to engage with our difficulty, pain, suffering, to be with it, to feel it vs avoiding, suppressing or distracting ourselves from it. It’s developing an attitude of acceptance, patience, kindness, openness, ‘heartfulness’ shown by the red character in the image.
Wisdom and compassion allow us to let go of control, to relax into what is, and as a result we can experience freedom - from our own thought induced fear and panic.
I myself have been suffering from moments of deep fear and panic in this uncertain time. I am self-employed and run my own business. I have become acutely aware of how quickly many years of work to build my business could disappear. In March I lost a lot of work and money which was hard and triggered feelings of existential angst about losing my business and income.
The many years of practicing meditation and mindfulness have given me practical tools to relax into what is, to come back to what’s happening right here, right now. Yes, I have lost work, yes it’s hard, yes, I’m still here, I am healthy, yes, work has continued to come in in different ways, yes, I don’t know how long for and no, I don’t know what’s going to happen next… I pause, I slow down, I remind myself of what’s here right now. I breathe. Right now I am alive. And there is beauty too.
Below I share some food for reflection (practicing wisdom) that helps me every day to stay grounded, awake and well in my mind and heart. I hope it helps you too.
There is no such thing as total safety – we often think there is, but there isn’t.
Life is fragile and precious. We never know what’s around the corner (we like to think we know but we don’t): it could be Covid-19, an accident, terminal illness, the loss of a loved one or a job, new business, the breakup of a relationship... It could be finding love unexpectedly, the birth of a child, the beauty of nature, the kindness of a stranger, the joy of small things (I can’t tell you how much joy the tulips in my garden give me at the moment).
We are all vulnerable – it is part of what it means to be a human. It’s okay to feel the depth of what we are feeling: fear, panic, sadness, anger, grief. It’s okay to cry. We don’t have to be brave and strong all the time.
Understanding the paradox of mindfulness: When we feel afraid and want to feel calm and grounded, we need to turn towards the fear and feel it, befriend it. Instinctively (due to our hard wired fight and flight response) and when we are not mindful, we end up putting our energy into fighting the fear, only for it to increase.
There are things in our life we have no control over, we have to endure. It’s the force of nature - of which we are a part of - that is much bigger than ourselves.
There is no point in soothing ourselves by saying someone else’s suffering is worse or that others are in a worst situation than I am. Every sorrow is legitimate; it is one’s experience in any given moment. Clearly seeing what is with compassion and without self-pity (poor me). It’s non-sentimental. It’s wisdom. It’s racial acceptance.
Everything changes all of the time – Covid-19 will pass too. And then something else will arise and pass away. This too is a law of nature.
Practicing compassion (the red character in the cartoon): When you feel fear or panic, notice it, slow down, pause, take three deep breaths, say to yourself: “It’s okay to feel like this”, notice the physical sensations of fear, panic, anxiety (maybe there is a tightness or tension in your chest, heart or belly). Feel what you feel. When we do, the parasympathetic nervous system gets activated that ignites a sense of safety, softens the body and quietens the amygdala.
Today will be what it is. I will be who I am.
And there will be beauty in both.
Unknown
Due to COVID - 19, I have temporarily moved all my work online. I offer my usual coaching and mindfulness work as well as some additional online courses to support and help you in this testing time.
1:1 life coaching via phone or Zoom video conferencing, Skype or Facetime
My coaching work has moved online. Opening hours 8am – 5pm. Just drop me an email or give me a call for an initial free coaching conversation so we can discuss how I can best support you in this uncertain and difficult time.
30-Minute Online Meditation & Mindfulness Sessions for difficult times – Mon, Wed, Fri @ 12.00 GMT
Self-isolating, working from home? 30-minute online mindfulness & meditation practice to connect with others, to stay resourceful and in good mental health. Each session will focus on a different led practice as well as a key mindfulness teaching that you can use instantly to better navigate day-to-day life in these uncertain times. Open to all. No prior experience necessary.
Payment scheme: Free places, standard places at £5, donation based places (pay as little or as much as you like/can).
Free Introductory Online Webinar: Personal growth in times of crisis - Tue, 21 April @ 2-3pm GMT
This free introductory session will give you an insight & overview into a 5-week coaching circle - learning & growing in times of crisis. In this one-hour webinar you will be led through two guided mindfulness practices, get a taste of how I work, gain an overview of the themes we will be covering in the 5-week Coaching circle (see below) and an understanding of how you can benefit from the programme and its format as well as one practical tool to creatively deal with anxiety.
Places are limited to 25. Book your place
5-Week Online Coaching Circle: Personal growth in times of crisis - Wed, 29 April - Wed, 27 May @ 7- 8.30pm GMT
Where we find ourselves unable to control what’s happening externally, we come to realise that we do have the ability to control (or at least learn to control) how we react in these times – what we do, say, think and feel. The coaching circle will be founded on my core work values - honesty, vulnerability, community, connection, learning (wisdom) and compassion. In a supportive, intimate and small group setting, it will offer a chance for you to explore, learn and grow in a safe space. We will explore a theme together each week, reflecting and discussing what the theme means to you, sharing insights and experience. Together we will seek to find ways forward so that we can engage with our life with resourcefulness, resilience and creativity.
Places are limited to 12. Book your place
Payment scheme: 6 places @ £90.00 - 4 places @ £45.00 - 2 places on donation basis (pay as little or as much as you like/can).
For more advice on coaching and mindfulness sign up to my free newsletter.