Do you avoid saying how you really feel?

Many of our unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving go back to our childhood. These patterns often keep us small and unfulfilled in our adult lives.

When things happened to us in childhood, we naturally formed expectations about how we were likely to feel in similar situations. Based on these expectations we developed strategies to avoid what I call the ‘dreaded experience’. These strategies include withdrawing, talking a lot, being defensive, being controlling, doing something that distances us from others, and over-thinking.

Feeling rejected as a child

When I was a child I often experienced rejection. If I was struggling with something and I wanted support from my mother, she would often not listen or just say: ‘Oh, don’t worry, it’ll be fine.” Today I understand that she didn’t say that because she didn’t love me. She said it because she was tired from being a single mum and working full time, and because she didn’t know what else to say. For me as a child it was painful. It felt like a rejection.

This experience as a child led me to develop a strategy of self-reliance. I distanced myself from others by not saying how I really felt. The price I sometimes still pay as a result of this early learned behaviour is loneliness, and a lack of closeness to others.

The trouble is that while these avoidance strategies keep us away from the dreaded experience (in my case rejection), they also hem us in. They keep us small and lonely, safe and distant in relationships. They numb us internally and shrink our dreams. And most of the time we suffer the costs without even realising, because these patterns are deeply ingrained and unconscious.

Do you avoid saying or doing what you really want?

For you it might be that talking about feelings of sadness, anger, or any feelings at all, was discouraged when you were a child. So instead of expressing them you change the subject, make a joke or otherwise move away from the emotion.

Or maybe you have a desire to make something happen – to set up your own business, write a song, give a talk, ask someone out for a date - but you fear being unsuccessful, unsupported, scorned or thwarted. So you set aside what you really want for one more day.

There is another way.

We can learn to embrace the dreaded experience. We can learn to make our avoidance strategies more conscious, not engage in them, take a risk and do something different.

In my case, I still often feel nervous and anxious about expressing how I feel with my friends. Yet I know that my friends hear me and are open to me. For example, recently I told two close friends that I feel sad about how our communication has become a bit superficial on WhatsApp, and how I wished we shared more about how we are really feeling. I felt so glad that I was able to say it. It led to a fruitful conversation, and more closeness and connection.

How to stop avoiding what you really want

1. Notice how the sequence happens in your mind:

a)    Self-expression (for example, sadness)

b)    Fear of the dreaded experience (discouragement)

c)    Avoidance behaviour (making a joke, changing subjects, distancing, pretending all is well when it’s not, withdrawal).

 2. Listen to your fear - is it really warranted? Remind yourself that expressing your emotions and wants will more often than not lead to good results.

 3. Move out of your comfort zone by taking a risk and doing something different. In my case, when I feel the urge to distance myself or to disconnect (when what I really want is closeness and connection) I take three deep breaths, stay present, and say what I need to say.

 4. Make a point of remembering the times you have taken a risk and it turned out fine. That way, you gather more and more evidence that it’s possible to express yourself; to realise that the dreaded experience isn’t nearly as bad as you imagined it. Feel the healthy pride and self-respect earned by having had the courage to take a risk.

As always, I would love to hear how you are getting on. And if you need a little help exploring the avoidance strategies that hold you back, get in touch to book your initial complementary coaching conversation.

For more advice on coaching and mindfulness sign up to my free newsletter.