How to stay connected to your heart

10 attitudes that can help - part II

Do you have a harsh or judgemental attitude towards yourself or others? Are you rushing always from one thing to the next? Are you unkind to yourself or perhaps others, plying undue pressure or unrealistic expectations? Perhaps you find it difficult to turn towards uncomfortable feelings? These attitudes, left unchecked, can leave us feeling isolated and low. They can disconnect us from our heart, from ourselves and others.

A mindfulness practice helps us to notice the type and quality of attitudes (and habits of our mind) we bring to day-to-day life (home, work and social life).  And by making them more conscious, we can change them.

In my last blog, I shared 5 attitudes which have helped me to control my negative thinking and live a fuller, more content life: a beginner’s mind, non-judging, acceptance, patience and trust.

This blog explores a further 5 attitudes (there are more…) we can practice to help us stay connected to the heart. They include kindness, compassion and authenticity. I share how each of the attitudes have helped me over the years.

It’s impossible to practice all attitudes at once. As before, I recommend setting an intention to reflect on one attitude each week.  

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10 attitudes - part II

#6 Non-striving - the antidote of rushing from one thing to the next

Non-doing, non-wanting. Allowing things to be in our awareness without needing to do anything; without an agenda. A non-striving attitude doesn’t mean not doing anything. It means whatever is already there is enough.  

This is probably one of the hardest attitudes to practice as many of us go about life in ‘being mode’ – seeking to get things done, to perform, be effective, to achieve all the time.  

A non-striving attitude allows space for wisdom, creativity, awareness.   

Practicing non-striving is easiest for me when I am in nature. Nature allows me to just be; I have no urge to do, do, do. I can easily let work be work and immerse myself in the moment. The interesting thing is that when I am in nature, I have my best ideas, I feel most productive - it’s effortless and doesn’t feel draining or tiring. After a day out, I feel alive, energised and deeply content.

#7 Kindness - an intrinsic human capacity

Kindness is the quality of openness, friendliness, curiosity, care warmth and love. We don’t need to fabricate it or make it happen. It’s already present, intrinsic in our human capacity.

When we practice kindness, we prepare the ground for the seeds of kindness to grow.

I used to be hugely un-kind to myself, putting myself under a lot of pressure and having high expectations of myself. Through my mindfulness practice, I discovered the importance of kindness to self and others. I learned that being kind doesn’t mean being ‘nice and fluffy’. It’s non-sentimental. It about being respectful, caring, honest, friendly, curious, open.

I also learned that when I bring a kind attitude to myself, for example, when I make a mistake or hurt someone (unintentionally), and I stay kind to myself, i.e. understanding and supportive, I can move through the discomfort of having made a mistake faster because I don’t get so stuck in the negative emotions of berating myself but rather, allow myself to be human and move on.

#8 Compassion - being alongside our own and others’ suffering

Compassion arises when we have the courage to willingly engage with our own pain, difficulty, suffering and that of others; when we can turn towards and be alongside our own and another’s experience with openness, kindness and curiosity without needing to fix or solve anything.

When we practice compassion we wish ourselves and others to be free from afflictions, suffering and difficulty while remembering our common humanity.

When I feel out of sorts or experience difficult emotions I don’t always find it easy to sit with them with an open heart, to feel what needs to be felt. Intuitively, I want to push away, get rid of that which feels difficult, uncomfortable. But it doesn’t work. The pain always becomes stronger. When I am able to turn towards the difficult with compassion, kindness, understanding, what has felt painful always changes: feels lighter, freer, softer, different.

#9 Humility - being able to be vulnerable

To be humble is to be human; to recognise that we are flawed and imperfect; to acknowledge our qualities and shortcomings. To be humble means to be able to recognise our mistakes and to learn from them (growth mindset) vs getting caught up in negative emotion and self-judgement.

Although home life was not always easy growing up with my single mum and my sister, I am grateful to my mother for always reassuring us that it was okay to make a mistake that we could always learn something from it. It never felt like a drama. My mother is also not a perfectionist and I liked that about her too. It makes it easier to be human, flawed and humble.

#10 Authenticity – knowing our true self and our place in the universe

Being authentic means knowing our deepest values, what most matters to us; how we want to show up in the world - in our home, work and social life. To know our deepest values means to be able to listen to the wisdom of the body.

When we are able to listen to the wisdom of the body, ie live from an embodied place, we are able to be vulnerable, to be seen by others without shame or guilt. To be able to be vulnerable means that we learn to directly relate to our experience in the body, that we can feel it in the body vs merely think about it.

Living with authenticity for me is one of the deepest life practices. It requires me to recommit again and again to living all the attitudes that I have described and explored. It’s an ongoing intention. And even if sometimes I feel I fall short, it’s the intention that counts.

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Tips for practice:

As we become aware of the habits of our mind, we also begin to notice the type and quality of attitudes we bring to day-to-day life.

1.    Set an intention to reflect on one attitude (see my Reflection Toolkit). Sit in a quiet space for up to 15 minutes. Take a few breaths and drop in the first attitude. What springs to mind? How does it feel? Open? Closed? Excited Curious? What does this attitude mean to you? What would your inner and outer life look like if you embodied this attitude more?

2.    Bring the attitude into your daily interactions at work, home and in your social life.

3.    Be your own best observer. At the end of the day ask yourself: What has worked, what hasn’t worked, what can I do differently next time?

 My next blog will explore the following 5 attitudes: non-striving, kindness, compassion, humility and authenticity. 


In the mean-time, do drop me a line if you’d like to book your free initial coaching conversation while walking in beautiful Victoria Park, London, or online via Zoom: karen@greenspacecoaching.com

Twice a month I publish a newsletter and blog with tips to enhance and enrich your experience of everyday life. You can sign up here here.

 
Rachel Fuller