How to feel more connected to yourself and others
10 attitudes that can help - part I
Have you noticed how your attitude towards yourself and others might sometimes be harsh or judgemental? Perhaps you are prone to reacting defensively or lack patience in situations and snap at people. Maybe you hide how you really feel from others?
These attitudes (which are oftentimes habits) tend not to make us happy. They can be the cause of much of our suffering or inner turmoil.
As we become aware of the habits of our mind (through a mindfulness practice), we also begin to notice the type and quality of attitudes we bring to day-to-day life (home, work and social life).
This blog explores the first 5 of 10 attitudes (there are more…) we can practice and cultivate to live a more vital, connected and authentic life.
I have chosen these 10 attitudes because they have helped me the most – see how below. You might want to add generosity, courage, gratitude, curiosity and others to the list.
It’s impossible to practice all attitudes at once. I recommend setting an intention to reflect on one attitude each week.
10 attitudes - part I
#1 Beginner’s Mind - see things with fresh eyes
A beginner’s mind is open to infinite possibilities. It allows us to let go of our views and opinions and look at things afresh, to experience each moment as if for the first time.
A beginner’s mind can be applied to our relationships too, enabling us to see our loved ones, children, friends, family members and colleagues freshly and in their entirety, not through the judging mind of ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘I like this about you’, ‘I don’t like that about you’.
In my role as coach and mindfulness trainer I work with many people, individuals and groups, and bringing a beginner’s mind to each encounter helps me see each person as they are (without the automatic judging mind getting in the way of connecting deeply), to be present and curious, remembering that each person is unique with the desire to be healthy and happy.
#2 Non-judging - lift the veil of judgement
We make judgements all the time - many of which we are not aware off. In becoming aware of our judging mind and not judging ourselves for our judgements, we can be more discerning - recognising and seeing what’s actually unfolding in our experience versus how things should be. It’s about lifting the veil of our judgements so that clarity and wisdom can arise.
I used to be very judgemental about myself and others. Mindfulness helped me to become aware of how judgemental a person I was. Quite a sobering moment! I realised that I grew up in a family where everyone was judging others all the time. It was a helpful discovery. I could understand where the habit came from and begin to change it. It’s my ongoing practice.
#3 Accepting – actively and willingly accepting our experience as it is
Accepting is not about tolerating things as they are or giving in or giving up; it’s quite the opposite. Accepting is an active act; it is the willingness to engage with our experience as it is.
Some things in life are hard to accept. Accepting is about being able to turn towards the experience with openness, curiosity, kindness and compassion. It’s about facing up to the experience, relaxing into it without feeling overwhelmed or hardening against it. When we accept what feels hard, difficult or unfair, the experience becomes more manageable and bearable as perspective on things widens.
Accepting my experience as it is, has been a powerful and life-changing experience for me. In the process of been becoming more aware of my self-criticism, I have developed a more open and caring attitude towards myself. This practice has lifted the weight of self-judgement, has fostered positive emotion, openness and curiosity. I have felt more connected to myself and others as a result; kinder and more patient too.
#4 Trust – trusting emergence, trusting the unknown with curiosity
Practicing trust involves bearing the discomfort of not knowing and of staying open and curious to what may arise vs pre-empting, judging or knowing.
We often think we know but we can never know what comes next or what a person’s story is. Over time we learn to trust the wisdom of the body and our senses, to trust others and the flow of life, i.e. experience arising and passing away in an endless cycle.
This has been the most vital practice for me. I used to be so anxious about everything, scared of the unknown. Over time I’ve learned to trust life and that good things can emerge. The most striking experience I had of trusting life was in 2018 when I wanted to take a sabbatical to go on a 3-month retreat in Spain.
I was torn and frightened to leave my business for 3 months. I had all sorts of catastrophic thoughts about what might happen to me. But I really wanted to take time out. I knew I had to do it for my own sake and for the benefit of others. I took a leap of faith. I trusted that it was going to be alright. And it turned out to be the best thing I could have done. Taking time out helps us recharge, restore, to ‘fill our tank with goodness’ that others will benefit from. A powerful experience.
#5 Patience - being with what is right here, right now
An attitude of patience helps us to live in the present moment vs focusing on getting the next thing done. Noticing impatience and pausing, relaxing, taking a breath and another one, allowing things to unfold in their own time without forcing anything.
Often I find myself wanting to make a decision or send an email straight away to get it out of the way, to get on to the next thing.
When I give in to impatience in these moments, the decisions I make become my worst decisions. I’ve learned to let decisions, emails, difficult conversations be for a while. I sleep on them or take them on a walk in nature – to mull them over. I always come away seeing things more clearly, with more perspective and ideas. When I feel the urge to react quickly, my body tells me to pause, breathe, to let it be for a while.
Tips for practice:
As we become aware of the habits of our mind, we also begin to notice the type and quality of attitudes we bring to day-to-day life.
1. Set an intention to reflect on one attitude (see my Reflection Toolkit). Sit in a quiet space for up to 15 minutes. Take a few breaths and drop in the first attitude. What springs to mind? How does it feel? Open? Closed? Excited Curious? What does this attitude mean to you? What would your inner and outer life look like if you embodied this attitude more?
2. Bring the attitude into your daily interactions at work, home and in your social life.
3. Be your own best observer. At the end of the day ask yourself: What has worked, what hasn’t worked, what can I do differently next time?
My next blog will explore the following 5 attitudes: non-striving, kindness, compassion, humility and authenticity.
In the mean-time, do drop me a line if you’d like to book your free initial coaching conversation while walking in beautiful Victoria Park, London, or online via Zoom: karen@greenspacecoaching.com
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