How emotionally literate are you?
As a society, we value logic, the intellect and the conceptual over emotional literacy. However, as emotional*, not rational beings (as documented in neuroscience studies), having the self-awareness and recognition of our own feelings and knowing how to manage them is integral to thriving in all aspects of life.
So, how emotionally literate are you? As you ask yourself this question, it is important to stay open and curious and be non-judgemental.
Being emotionally literate means that we are able to clearly state what we are feeling as we are feeling it. What we then convey is information rather than an opinion. I’m feeling angry or I’m feeling sad, is a fact not an opinion. Saying: I feel you are not there for me or I feel like you don’t listen to me or I feel everyone is judging me are perceptions, interpretations or opinions.
Emotional Literacy is a key element of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) - the ability to feel and know your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. The five key elements to Emotional Intelligence are self-awareness and emotional literacy, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
Domingo Alvarez E
Living life mainly from the head, rationalising everything, i.e. thinking about self, others and life vs feeling what’s actually happening in our body, what’s actually happening between me and another person, keeps us at arms lengths from living fully (because we are not fully here), the very thing that brings meaning to our life.
Robert Masters, American psychotherapist:
We exist through relationship, and the more emotionally literate we are, the deeper and happier our relationships – with our colleagues, peers, partner, children, friends – and therefore we will be.
Being able to say what we are feeling helps us to see and understand the other better and what’s going on for them. It helps us to be empathic, to understand and share the feelings of another.
Unlike IQ, which does not change significantly over a lifetime, our Emotional Literacy and Emotional Intelligence (EQ) can develop with our desire to learn and grow. Our brains are wired to react in certain situations but we can re-wire the circuitry with repeated practice and application.
Calum Skelton
How can we become more emotionally literate? Here are four steps. Yes, they take dedication and perseverance but the pay-off is huge.
1. Identify not what you are thinking but what you are feeling.
If you are feeling sad, simply notice that without getting caught up in the content of you feeling sad (why you are feeling sad) and possibly judging yourself for it. If you are feeling a mix of emotions, and it’s not clear what’s in the mix, simply notice the mix. What does it feel like? Confused, tight, unsettled…
If you are not sure what you are feeling, ask yourself: Am I feeling sad? Am I feeling angry? Am I feeling happy? Am I feeling unhappy? Am I feeling excited? Am I feeling afraid? Am I feeling uncomfortable? Usually, you get a yes, no or maybe.
If you are still not sure what you are feeling, go a bit deeper and notice the general felt sense, even if it is numbness, and notice the bodily sensations. All emotions are held in the body and can therefore be felt. For example, tightness or tension in the belly and shoulders, shallow breathing in the chest. This means withdrawing your attention from your thinking process. There is nothing to figure out here, no need to ask your mind what you are feeling. What you are feeling is right here in the body.
2. Directly say what you are feeling.
Simply describing what you are feeling and what’s going on for you without any tangent, drama or ‘shoulds’.
At first, this might feel clunky and unfamiliar because we are not used to describing our own experience without blaming self or others.
Remember to use ‘I’ language. I feel, I experience…
3. Make sure you really hear what the other is saying
This means that you are not only hearing the factual nature of what the other is saying but also feeling it. This is where empathy comes in. Without being empathically attuned, any dialogue becomes an energy-draining argument. So really hear what the other is saying and then feel it as though you were in the other person’s skin. You don’t have to agree with everything that the other person is saying.
4. Get into the detail without losing touch
This is possibly the most difficult step in becoming more emotionally literate.
Make your connection primary, and working out the content and details of what you are talking about secondary. This is much more effective than trying to find an agreement or solution without being sufficiently connected. If it gets sticky, go back to steps one and two and stay there for a while. Sharing what’s going on emotionally – saying what you are feeling – prevents emotional overwhelm even if it feels counterintuitive. Feelings want to be felt. Not feeling them increases the feelings.
And what’s exciting about becoming more emotionally literate is that we also increase our Moral Intelligence (MQ), because the more we can feel our own emotions and empathise with what’s going on for the other, the more likely we are to want to treat them better. And this again increases connection.
If you need some help with learning how to feel your emotions, get in touch for an initial complementary coaching conversation.
* How emotions are made by Lisa Feldman Barrett (a ground-breaking book on emotions. I can highly recommend it).
If you need a little help with exploring your emotions, why not get in touch to book an initial complementary coaching conversation at karen@greenspacecoaching.com