How do you speak to yourself?
The language we use and the way we speak can be a powerful tool to change the way we feel both in and about ourselves. However, we don’t often pay much attention to the way we speak, particularly to and about ourselves.
Most of us have a critical and harsh attitude to ourselves, judging ourselves as not being good enough, that we SHOULD do more, that we SHOULD be better.
Or we acknowledge something that we know is true and in the same sentence we de-validate what we’ve just said by saying yes BUT.
Beginning to pay attention to words such as BUT and SHOULD is worth the effort because it changes the effect our speech has on us.
Photo by: Miguel -A-Padriñán
Often when we speak about ourselves, we start by saying something positive – and then we take it away by following it up with BUT.
I’m glad that I managed to give a presentation at work but I don’t think it went very well.
I really want to talk with my partner about this but I’m feeling too anxious.
Recently I’ve made an effort to prepare better for meetings but I should do more.
I’ve noticed that I’m getting better at catching myself when I overthink things but I’m not there yet.
When you read these sentences, how do they sound, feel? Negative?
Dis-encouraging? Unkind? Yes.
This is because we take the value of what we have just said away by using BUT.
Try replacing BUT with AND
The word AND acknowledges multiple truths and reflects accurately what’s actually happening vs our interpretation or judgement of it. It has a powerfully positive effect. It keeps the mind open, curious and receptive. Remember, it’s the quality of mind (attitude) that we need to develop.
I’m glad that I managed to give a presentation at work AND there are a few things I would like to do differently next time.
I really want to talk with my partner about it AND I feel very anxious.
Recently I’ve made an effort to prepare better for meetings AND I know I can still do more, it’s work in progress.
I’ve noticed that I’m getting better at catching myself when I overthink things AND I’m not there yet, it takes time to change.
How does this sound, feel? Positive? Encouraging? Kind? Yes.
Photo by Snapwire
AND also makes things more possible, like in this example:
I really want to talk with my partner about it AND I feel anxious. The anxiety gets acknowledged here as truth (as is) and so it is less likely to become overwhelming and less likely to stop us from what we want to do.
The same applies to SHOULD.
Should always points to a view, a judgement or a story in our head. Nobody wants to be told (by self or others) what to do. It’s pushy and takes away our sense of agency and autonomy. Try replacing SHOULD with CAN, COULD, WANT TO.
I should be more focussed. I should use my phone less. I should eat more healthily
I want to be more focussed. I could use my phone less. I can eat more healthily.
You can become aware of how you speak to yourself in your daily life. When you catch a ‘but’ or ‘should’ you can replace it by ‘and’ and ‘can’, ‘could’, ‘want to’ and notice the difference.
How we speak to ourselves gives us freedom and autonomy. It can make a huge difference to our emotional wellbeing and confidence.
If you’d like to explore some of your habits of self-speech, why not book an initial complementary coaching conversation by emailing me at: karen@greenspacecoaching.com