Who are your friends?
As social beings, we have an intrinsic need to make human connection. We are both interdependent and interconnected. This connection is perhaps the reason why friendships bring such meaning to life and as a consequence, why our mental health and wellbeing depend upon them.
In my last blog I explored what friendship means to us, inviting readers to share their thoughts and experiences. Throughout this blog I’ve interspersed some of this feedback. For me, friendship remains an important constant in my life – and perhaps because I come from a very small family, from a young age I became self-reliant and equally reliant on friends.
Friendship to me means being actively supportive of each other - either over time and through key moments in life. – Aidan Prendergast, Technical Director
However, I’m not someone who has many friends. I have a good handful of close and trusted friends with whom I’m in regular contact. We are in each other’s lives and share important themes – from what moves us to what concerns us. And, we bear each other in mind in difficult times and rejoice in each other’s moments of joy without envy. What are your friendships like?
Photo: This is me and my dear friend Jo in 2012
Looking after friendships and maintaining that bond of trust
For me, I find it important to have consistent communication. I’m not very good with long gaps of no contact. I can easily lose connection. And essential then to maintain healthy friendship is making time for each other and allowing each other to take part in our lives. It’s similar to an intimate relationship. It takes effort and dedication.
Maintaining trust is important too. What helps me to trust my friends is knowing that I can rely on them, when they do what they say they’d do, when I call them and they have a moment for me to talk things through, when they are interested, ask me questions about my life, when they offer help, when they can receive support from me, when I feel we can share anything with each other, our deepest fears, most embarrassing moments, our struggles as well good moments.
Friendship was so essential for me when I moved abroad and started to build a new life. Friendship: growing together, helping each other to become the best version of ourselves, loving with commitment. I mention "friendship" 31 times in my book “Sustainable Hedonism”. Friendship is essential for happiness and a full life. Orsolya Lelkes, author
Photo: H Bieser
What makes a friendship meaningful?
In my experience meaning in friendship arises when two people are committed to their friendship, can say YES to each other wholeheartedly, when they are willing to be honest and have the courage to have a difficult conversation to flag things up that are not ok or helpful, to listen carefully without judgement so that deeper understanding and connection can happen. This requires two friends to let go of their projections and see the person as they are. A tall task that needs a lot of awareness and love.
This is very different from coasting along and trying to be nice and pleasing all the time. One of my closest friends today is also the person I had the biggest conflict with. We were able to face up to it, work through it and came out the other end feeling more connected and trusting of each other than ever.
Gail Gibson, Master Coach for Women Leaders in the UK and South East Asia makes the following observation: Living globally means friendship takes on a different dynamic. People come and go. Life is more transient. However, the depth of friendship for a short term can be impactful and dedicated. I am grateful for all the friendships I have made across the world.
Photo: вадим-биць
Learn more about your mandala of friends with this reflective practice
Take a piece of paper and coloured pens:
· Draw a small circle in the middle with your name in it
· Draw another circle around it and write the names of your 1-4 closest friends into it.
· Then draw another circle around this circle and write down the names of your friends you have less contact with, perhaps see or speak to every four to six weeks.
· Around this circle draw another circle and write the names of your friends you are in contact with every two to three months.
· Draw another circle for those friends who are in your life but you only see once or twice a year but when you see them you immediately feel connected to each other as though you had seen each other yesterday.
· And finally draw a circle for all those friends that have been in your life for a long time but you are not in contact with anymore other than on social media.
Once you’ve finished your Mandala of Friends, take a look at the whole and check whether it accurately reflects the state of your friendships. Or are there perhaps friends you’d like to get in touch with again, have neglected? Equally, are there friendships in your life that are outdated, that you only maintain because you’ve known this person for a long time but you actually don’t share much with anymore and the connection is no longer present?
If you like to explore what friendship means to you, get in touch to arrange a complementary initial coaching conversation outdoors while walking in Victoria park or online.