How to deal with the struggle of wanting and not wanting
Do you have moments in your life when you really want to do something and at the same time you really don’t want to do it? I have.
For example, in 2010 I committed to writing a monthly blog. In all these years, I have never stopped doing it. But every month I sit with the feeling of wanting to do it and not wanting to write my next blog. It’s a labour of love. I know how satisfied I feel when I do it and at the same time there is always something in me that doesn’t want to do it.
At other times, I ask myself: What on earth was I thinking when I said ‘Yes’ to giving a talk, to running a workshop or to committing to finally getting my guided mindfulness meditations recorded professionally…?
The list of things I want to do and don’t want to do is endless.
Photo: Ray Bilcliff
When we pause and become aware of this contradiction, there can be a third possibility: moving beyond wanting and not wanting into a space where we no longer feel the need to solve this conundrum. There is nothing to solve here. Rather than trying to get rid of this uncomfortable, unpleasant state of wanting and not wanting which narrows our experience, we can turn towards it and when we do, our experience broadens. It comes with a sense of ease and freedom.
I know when I struggle with the discomfort of wanting and not wanting because I usually look for distractions such as checking out LinkedIn or Twitter, tiding up my desk or starring out of the window.
The same is true for the people we have in our life. There are people in my life, for example, that I love and at the same time they also annoy me at times. Rather than going into battle with them, judge them, I can see them in their wholeness and complexity. I’m not saying that this is easy but it’s another way of relating which can broaden our perspective, enrich our life and relationships.
Photo: Pawel Czerwinski
Bruce Tift, psychotherapist, teacher and author, posits that the struggle between experiencing life as both a fear and a hope can become a ‘distracting drama’.
The hope always is to be safe and secure and our instincts often see us put survival over quality of life. The trouble is that survival mode can tend to keep us in our comfort zone; it can keep us small and unfulfilled. As human beings we also want to thrive, learn and lead a meaningful life. This is not a problem, just an inherent paradox of life. The question is: can we hold both, can we hold this human conundrum and sit with the experience, really feel it?
What are the contradictions in your life?
What are the things you want to do and don’t want to do?
And how do you meet both?
Here are three tips that have worked for me:
1. Notice when you want to do something and don’t want to do something. What does it feel like in the body? What does it feel like in the mind? Usually there is contraction and tightness in the body and mind. What’s your typical distracting behaviour?
2. Pause. This is crucial. Without pausing there is little chance that we can actually be with wanting and not wanting in order to notice what happens when we do (that’s when we can move into a different space, beyond wanting and not wanting).
3. Ask yourself: What does it feel like to hold both, wanting and not wanting. What else is possible in this space? Be surprised.
If you need some help and support, get in touch to book your free initial coaching conversation.