Do you sometimes experience social anxiety?
Social anxiety is normal and human. Regardless of our age, many of us experience social anxiety, including those who generally enjoy the company of others.
The Christmas season is soon upon us and for many of us it comes with an increase in social anxiety. We long to belong to the party whether it’s in our work or social context. We want to take part and at the same time we are dreading it.
Social anxiety comes from evolution. It’s hard-wired into our brain. We are designed by natural selection to care - to care a lot - about what other people think. During evolution people who were liked, admired and respected would have been more effective gene propagators than people who were the opposite. In a hunter-gatherer village, your neighbours would have had a vast data base on your behaviours, so you would be unlikely, on any given day, to do anything that radically revised their opinion of you, for better or worse. Social gatherings would not typically have been high-pressure social events.
However, in today’s modern world, we often find ourselves in the unnatural position of meeting someone who knows little or nothing about us. This can create pressure and causes us anxiety about whether or not we will be liked, accepted or approved of and met with kindness, friendliness and openness.
The good news is that we now know from neuro-science of the brain’s ability to change and adapt due to experience, meaning we don’t’ have to be in the grip of social anxiety and let it stop us from being part of social events. After all we are social beings and want to belong.
Dealing with social anxiety during the Christmas season can be challenging, but there are ways that can help you manage your anxiety and enjoy the festivities.
Image: Gerd Altman
Here are 10 tips to better deal with social anxiety to enjoy the festive season:
1. When an event comes up, notice feelings of anxiety when they arise. It’s not the anxiety that is the problem but how you respond to it. Acknowledge the feeling of anxiety with kindness instead of beating yourself up about it which creates more anxiety and makes you feel worse. You can say to yourself: ‘I’m feeling anxious about going to this Christmas party. It’s normal and human. Other people feel like this.’
2. Be aware of the story you are telling yourself. For example: ‘Nobody will like me. Nobody will want to talk to me… Everyone will have a good time but me…’ If you examine your thoughts, and ask yourself: How do I know that nobody will like me? How do I know that nobody will want to talk to me? Is it true?’ Reflecting on this will help you realise that your thoughts are just thoughts, and not necessarily true. Seeing your thoughts for what they are, will instantly lessen the anxiety.
3. Make wise choices and be honest with yourself. You don’t have to go to every social event. Check in with yourself on how important a social event is for you and only go because you want to, not because you suffer from FOMO – ‘fear of missing out’.
4. Before a social event, take a moment to centre yourself: feel your feet on the ground, take a few deeper breaths and reassure yourself that right now, you’re ok.
5. During an event, slow down, take regular deep breaths to help you to stay present to what’s actually going on inside and outside of you (not what you think is going on). Look around the room to keep a broader perspective and spot others who most likely feel exactly like you.
6. See who is at the event that you might like to speak to. Taking the initiative to approach someone at a social event can be hugely connecting and enjoyable! And remember, the person that you had the courage to approach most likely feels grateful to you for reaching out.
7. Find a trusted colleague or friend who can be your ‘base camp’ or ‘anchor’ at an event. You can agree to check in with each other regularly throughout an event.
8. Keeping alcohol to a minimum can help you stay clear-headed and in control of your emotions and thoughts. It also helps to have some genuine chats and enjoyment.
9. Prioritise self-care during the festive season. Set an intention to sleep enough, to eat well, to exercise regularly to help you stay grounded and to manage your anxiety. You don’t have to be strict or deprive yourself of anything. Moderation and self-kindness are key here.
10. Remember: It’s okay to feel anxious. It’s human. Applying these strategies and seeking support from friends, family, a coach or therapist can make a significant difference in managing social anxiety during the Christmas season.
Need a little help? Why not book an initial complementary coaching conversation with me to find out more. Email me at: karen@greenspacecoaching.com